


Clumsy Hearts

by elysianur



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Author Projects A Lot, Beomgyu reminiscing, Choi Beomgyu-Centric, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Post-Break Up, Song Lyrics, Yeonjun and Beomgyu are bad at feelings, alternatively can beomjun please just kiss and makeup, beomjun are idiots and i hate them, beomjun struggling to have a healthy relationship, happy ending..more like hopeful ending where you fill in your own dots, its not heavy angst but its not really light enough to be light, slightly unreliable narrator at one point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-24
Updated: 2020-10-24
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:22:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27126481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elysianur/pseuds/elysianur
Summary: beomgyu realises maybe there's love in letting go - amongst other thingsbasically, beomgyu reminisces his past with yeonjun
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 8
Kudos: 36





	Clumsy Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> this is inspired and based on 2 kids by Taemin so if you're wondering where I got the lyrics from, it's the English translations. ignore any spag errors !!  
> listen to 2 kids if you want the full effect !!

_Even if it hurts whenever you breathe in  
Leave me alone, let me be alone  
Just to miss you even in regret  
Leave me alone _

Shouts.

That was the only sound Beomgyu could make out, the shouts and screams falling deaf on his ears. Maybe they weren’t screams, maybe they were whispers. Everything was too loud. There was too much happening, it was too difficult to focus. He could see his boyfriend... no not boyfriend, not anymore. He could see Yeonjun, tears glistening in his eyes as he pleaded to Beomgyu, begging the younger to listen. Beomgyu couldn’t listen, even if he tried. It was a blur of sounds, the most Beomgyu could do was figure out that Yeonjun’s mouth was moving. He was struggling to work out what was being said. It's not that he was ignoring what Yeonjun was trying to tell him, he just felt numb. Numb to everything. 

He didn’t know who was worse off, a crying Yeonjun or Beomgyu, Beomgyu who was finding it incredibly difficult to focus, unable to speak. He wanted to be alone. He wanted someone close, he needed someone to hold him. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to comfort Yeonjun. He wished to be alone, wanted to cry alone, wanted to miss Yeonjun alone. It was a craving, all he needed was Yeonjun to leave so he could finally find his peace of mind and let go. He wanted to yell too. He was detached from the scene, vivid colours crowding his mind. He wanted to regret everything alone. He wanted to hug Yeonjun. He needed to be alone. 

Leave me alone. 

Somehow, he managed to croak out the words, voice hoarse, whether from misuse or his muffled chokes, Beomgyu wasn't too sure. He saw something shift in Yeonjun with those damning three words, eyes turning hard despite the elder's glassy eyes. The room darkened, where there was vivid colour, there was now red tinged everywhere, shadows creeping out from corners.

Leave you alone. If that’s what you want. 

_Not knowing it was our last  
To the end, I tried to argue with you  
When looking back, it was nothing  
Why couldn’t I put my ego aside? _

That’s not how it happened. Beomgyu did speak. That was a lie. Beomgyu spoke, maybe too much. Yeonjun would attack him once, Beomgyu would hit back harder. Beomgyu argued. They both fought, back and forth. They argued till the end. They ended because they argued. Beomgyu told Yeonjun to leave him alone. Yeonjun retaliated and refused. They argued even more. They couldn’t stop. Beomgyu tried to continue. Yeonjun kept up with him. They argued. They both craved the rush, the adrenaline that came with the fight, both passionate about their side. 

They both knew it was ridiculous, both aware it was a stupid fight. It blew up, blew out of proportion, both of them knew that. Yet, it revealed so much more about their fractured relationship than any other fight ever had. If they had known it was their last fight, would it have been different? Maybe their façade wouldn't break, the pretence that with every fight, they would become closer again. Hoping that they would no longer have the little arguments that became huge ordeals for no reason. 

It was an argument, it was the final scene, it was their end. A battle of egos, of wills, of pride. They argued till the end.

_We were just 2 kids, too young and dumb  
Young, dumb and clumsy hearts  
Hold them tight on that particularly sad day  
You and I, you and I  
Wishing you would hold me but I pushed you  
Saying the words “I’m sorry” was Uhm  
2 kids, too young and dumb  
If I endured everything, would it be different?  
You and I _

They were just kids. Young and in love. Too in love with each other. Too alike. Two kids, too young and dumb. Unable to handle love, unsure of how to process the feeling. Clumsy hearts. They were lost, in a storm of confusions and misunderstandings. It wasn't always this way. They held on tight. They let go. They held on again. A harsh cycle, the same foolish mistakes. They were too young. 

Beomgyu fell for the elder, stupidly and magically. All it took was a comforting pep talk and he was already too deep in. Beomgyu and Yeonjun. A mess, that’s what they were. Two dumb kids, too insecure, too in love. They fought. Then someone would hold on. The cycle repeated again. They fought. Someone would push away. Beomgyu pushed away, the final time. A push too hard, a sorry that was out of reach. Beomgyu won the battle, the fight of pride, the fight between two boys who were mindlessly in love and didn’t know how to love. He could have held on, both of them could have. Beomgyu could have let himself feel the comfort, could have accepted the warmth Yeonjun provided. They held onto each other in their lowest times until somehow, they couldn’t any more. Beomgyu let go, Yeonjun let go shortly after. 

_For everything that hasn’t worked out as I wished  
I deeply carve them as the reasons for the breakup  
We were in a loop of arguing and regretting like crazy  
Sometimes I recall those bygone days _

It didn’t work out. They tried and failed and tried again. Maybe, it was both of them, too aware of themselves, struggling to communicate. What was their language of love? Beomgyu could never remember, maybe it was never there. They were in a continuous loop of arguing and regretting. Miscommunications, errors, jealousy, struggles. 

It was a different type of hell. Knowing but not enough. Or knowing too much. There was comfort in the hugs and kisses. It was all they knew how to do. Memories of when they would support each other were now bygone days. They both knew they had to let go. They didn’t want to. They had to. Beomgyu wished for more. Expectations that it would resolve all on its own. Hope that something would give up. Something would surely change. It didn’t. They crashed and they burned. Burned together. Burned each other.

_A breakup that couldn’t get any worse  
But I think it was beautiful in the beginning  
All the scars and traces you left on me  
They were love, and still are now _

It was beautiful. Flames burning bright. There was raw beauty, pure chemistry between them. Smiles all around. They were so similar yet so unique. Where Beomgyu was weak, Yeonjun was strong, Where Yeonjun was passion, Beomgyu was love. They fit each other. They were perfect for each other. Too perfect. Too similar. Both brash and bold. Both unwilling to make the call. When they fell, they fell hard. Beomgyu knew Yeonjun would be the death of him and he willingly accepted the fact. Beomgyu was a kid in love. When they fell off course, Beomgyu knew he was changed. They had started this with their awareness of each other, with the knowledge that they had something special between them. Something so precious. 

Beomgyu was scarred. He was sure Yeonjun was too. How could he not be, they fell in love, a love so strange yet so delicate, that Beomgyu had known even at a young age, there would never be anything like it. Every knife wound, every harsh word was love. Scars and traces remained everywhere. The colour blue was Yeonjuns. The black oversized hoodie that he wore when he confessed, that was Yeonjuns too. His heart was Yeonjuns. They were scars, they love, they hurt, it broke them and it still hurt. There was cruel beauty in it. It was still love, still is love. 

Beomgyu can’t let go of it, can’t let go of him. He could never get enough of Yeonjun just as Yeonjun would never get enough of him. Where they struggled to love, they fought. Maybe that was their love language. The language of hate. Hate and love. Hate to love. Love to hate. It was passionate, the flames reaching high. There was a thin line, they always crossed it. Sometimes it hurt. Most times, it was just all they ever knew. 

_I kiss every memory one by one_

It’s strange. Beomgyu treasures each memory. They were two kids, too young and dumb. Two kids who were unprepared for the world of love. Beomgyu replays every memory, every spare moment where he and Yeonjun were happy. Where Yeonjun would mother him when he was ill. Where Beomgyu would give Yeonjun a congratulatory kiss for winning in that video game match even if it meant he lost. 

He replays the bad ones too. Kisses those too. Bad memories tinged with hurt and love. Memories where they’re both shattered, struggling to breathe yet somehow clinging on. Or those where there are shards of glass on the floor, Beomgyu picking them up whilst Yeonjun looked on with a hard gaze, on the verge of helping but holding back. They’re precious too. The bad ones. It makes the good ones better. They comfort Beomgyu more, in a weird and twisted way. They were weird and twisted. They were stupid with love, knew how to love but didn’t know how to love.

_We will have to live through the time, and be forgotten  
You and I _

Time goes on. Beomgyu doesn’t like time. Time, they had too much. Time lead them to this. The souring, the broken end. Time heals. Does it really? Beomgyu looks back and wonders how different it would be if one of them put aside their pride. They were young and dumb, it wasn’t really their fault. It was no one’s fault. It was everyone’s fault. It was time. 

Sometimes Beomgyu wishes he could go back, and change events, change how they ended. Sometimes Beomgyu wishes he could pick up the phone, find the courage within himself to reach out, to make the jump. And then he reminds himself of time. He could be forgotten, time heals, time changes. Beomgyu would be a terrible memory in Yeonjun’s mind, the hellish ex that he had dated back when he was fresh out of teens. The ex who he argued with daily, the ex who pushed away first. It’s hard to say sorry, hard to reach out. Beomgyu wants to. Beomgyu can’t. He wanted to let go, wanted to as soon as he said the first no, go away, leave me alone. Beomgyu hates time. He hates Yeonjun. He loves Yeonjun. They’re a forgotten love, a past love. He should stop living in the past. He needs to let go, Yeonjun doesn’t know him anymore. He doesn’t know Yeonjun anymore, it’s been too long. The best thing to do would be to forget, to move on from the love he had when he was a kid, too young and dumb, trapped in a broken love. 

Time to let go.

\-------------------------------

The phone rings. Yeonjun glances bleary-eyed, planning to ignore it until the name catches his eye. He pauses, trying to work out if this is reality or his sleep-deprived brain seeing things - it’s not the first time it’s happened. He swipes to answer the call, rubbing his eyes to confirm that he _is_ looking at a bear emoji. A pause. Why is no one speaking? This must be a cruel joke, why did he have any hope. How dumb of him to imagine that maybe...no. He shakes the thought away, refusing to think of the implications and reaches to end the call. The sudden static sound startles him, the phone crackling at the sound of a breath. Yeonjun stops his movement, holding his breath in turn, in anticipation. He’s not actually sure what he's expecting. He doesn't want to hope.

“Hello, hyung.” Yeonjun slowly lets out the breath he was holding and smiles softly. Maybe, it's okay to hope. The flame continues burning bright.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos would be much appreciated, this is the first fic I've uploaded !!
> 
> come find me on twt !!  
> or drop a message in my cc !!  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/illicityun)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/xcyien)


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